Tuesday, January 14, 2014

Losing a Child? Does the Pain Ever Stop?

"I am getting pressure from my family.  I need to have my son back."  I fell into my chair not believing what I was hearing.  We had our son since he was three days old and now a year later, she was asking for him back.  Our lawyer said "Give him back."  Words that will resonate fear and pain forever.

When I wrote my memoir, Battered Hope, one of the many traumas I share is losing our young son and the pain that penetrated like none other.  Then a year later, we adopted another little boy and his mother changed her mind before we ever got to hold him. I knew I was going to be a mommy but my hope was withering. 

Another year passed and bliss walked into our lives.  We adopted our perfect little boy.  We raised him as our own and loved him unconditionally through many difficulties.  This is the role I was meant to play.  Nothing made me happier than being a mother except becoming a grandmother of not just one grandson, but two.

I cried a lot of tears but they were tears of joy.  Living near our son and his wonderful family was the fulfillment I had always dreamed of and hoped for.
Without Any Sign or Warning, Our Son Left Us
Without warning of any kind, the day after our wedding anniversary celebration last year, our son announced he was walking away from our family.  There was no room for negotiation.  It was worse than divorce and much more like a death.  Shock is not a powerful enough word.  A stab in the heart is not a strong enough explanation.  My doctor told me that dying of heart break can actually happen and I had all the symptoms.

Trying to cope each day took all my concentrated effort.  I went through all the phases of grief and asked all the questions, but never got any answers.

In Battered Hope, I survived rape, marital abuse, divorce, seven major financial losses, jail, cancer, attempted suicide and more.  But the deepest pain of all was this loss of family.  Nothing can replace it.  I do not understand it.  I continue to believe it will be healed.  I will never give up hope.   My son will come home.

Photos courtesy of Adoption Promise and Bloggers on the Wall

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