Monday, February 24, 2014

Could You Do It?

I called my brother today.

"That's nice." or "What's the big deal?" is what you may be thinking. Well, I haven't called him in decades. That's the big deal.

@BatteredHope Waited 40 years to call my brother -- too late

He is my brother and he is twenty years older than me. I know I will never see him again. He was a good, kind and loving man but he shut me out of his life forty years ago and my attempts at contacting him in those early years were left unanswered. Finally, I just gave up but there was always a void of where he used to be.

He had a special nickname for me reserved just for me. In fact, I never heard that name before or since. I miss him and have missed him so very much. In my quiet times of reflection, I have cried many tears.

So....why bother calling now?

So, why did I call him today?  Please understand that I am an avid list maker. I make daily and weekly lists of any and every thing I need to do. I have been toying with the idea of calling him for a long time.....a long time. Have picked up the phone a hundred times -- sometimes even dialing his number, but never letting it ring through. My sister keeps me informed about what is going on in his life and I know he has been very ill for a long time. I knew that if I did not call soon, I may never hear his voice again.

A few weeks ago, I put him on my list to call. I knew that once he was on the 'list' I would have to do it as I always feel compelled to complete what I have started or what is on my list. Today, I dialed his number -- about four times and kept putting the phone down. Finally, I let it ring through.

Took the plunge

"The number you have dialed is no longer in service." Was I too late? Was he gone? Then I remembered I had his cell number. It rang three times and a very weak voice answered "Hell-o."

"Hi, is this my brother?"

"Who is this?"

"This is your little sister." He sounded thrilled to hear my voice but could barely understand me. I spoke clearly and slowly but it was too difficult for him. I knew we were not going to have a long conversation so I said, "I love you."

"I love you too. I pray for you everyday." Maybe that's all I needed to hear. But there was so much more I wanted to say.

So much I wanted to say but no opportunity

I wanted to tell him how I regret all the years of no contact. I wanted to tell him that life was far too short to have held any kind of a grudge. I wanted to tell him about my precious children who he never met and about their children. But, it was too late. Too much time had passed.

I'm glad I called. Do I wish I had called earlier? Maybe....but then maybe he would not have been ready to talk to me and that would have hurt more. I will remember the good times, the happy memories and will love him forever.

Have you ever been in a situation that made you feel like this?  Are you in a similar place and need to contact someone you love and have not spoken to for a long time?  

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