"That's nice." or "What's the big deal?" is what you may be thinking. Well, I haven't called him in decades. That's the big deal.
He is my brother and he is twenty years older than me. I know I will never see him again. He was a good, kind and loving man but he shut me out of his life forty years ago and my attempts at contacting him in those early years were left unanswered. Finally, I just gave up but there was always a void of where he used to be.
He had a special nickname for me reserved just for me. In fact, I never heard that name before or since. I miss him and have missed him so very much. In my quiet times of reflection, I have cried many tears.
So....why bother calling now?
So, why did I call him today? Please understand that I am an avid list maker. I make daily and weekly lists of any and every thing I need to do. I have been toying with the idea of calling him for a long time.....a long time. Have picked up the phone a hundred times -- sometimes even dialing his number, but never letting it ring through. My sister keeps me informed about what is going on in his life and I know he has been very ill for a long time. I knew that if I did not call soon, I may never hear his voice again.
A few weeks ago, I put him on my list to call. I knew that once he was on the 'list' I would have to do it as I always feel compelled to complete what I have started or what is on my list. Today, I dialed his number -- about four times and kept putting the phone down. Finally, I let it ring through.
Took the plunge
"Hi, is this my brother?"
"Who is this?"
"This is your little sister." He sounded thrilled to hear my voice but could barely understand me. I spoke clearly and slowly but it was too difficult for him. I knew we were not going to have a long conversation so I said, "I love you."
"I love you too. I pray for you everyday." Maybe that's all I needed to hear. But there was so much more I wanted to say.
So much I wanted to say but no opportunity
I'm glad I called. Do I wish I had called earlier? Maybe....but then maybe he would not have been ready to talk to me and that would have hurt more. I will remember the good times, the happy memories and will love him forever.
Have you ever been in a situation that made you feel like this? Are you in a similar place and need to contact someone you love and have not spoken to for a long time?
Photo courtesy of www.geograph.org.uk